Some of the things I like….

I have been trying to find myself. Again. I wonder when the process of losing and having to find oneself again stops. Or if it does.

I had thought about dance classes or creative writing or just doing anything different and seeing if I could find myself there but a wise person pointed out that you are always taking you into any new situation. You have to start there.

The same wise person suggested that one of the ways of starting there might be to explore the things that I like. To notice what I am drawn too and what makes me feel good.

I have been trying to pay attention. These are some of the things that I know I like…

The feeling of the sun on my back.

Talking to people. Not small-talking but those conversations where you share things and ask questions and explore the world together.

Music and, particularly, music that is felt as much as it is heard.

Hugs. Giving and receiving.

Royal blue.

The blossom on the trees and the moment that you spot the first blossom. Crocuses and daffodils and purple tulips.

Books where the story is held in the words and the way that the words are strung together makes you shiver. Characters that come to life. Stories that live in your head as much as on the page.

London. The speed of the tubes. The Houses of Parliament at night. The background murmur of life. The pride of knowing all the bus routes. The roads and parks that have been trodden for decades. The permanency of the Thames, its strength.

Swimming. Particularly when no one else is there and that first moment when you push off from the side.

Homemade bread. Still warm. And with marmite dripping into it.

Roses and lychee martinis.

Laughing so hard that it hurts and you feel like you’re a giggling teenager again.

England and the English. The quirks (“I’m sorry” when someone bumps into you) that you only find over here. The rolling fields and the history that is written into the cities and into the countryside. Roast dinners and winter fires.

It feels like I could go on.

It is disturbingly easy to forget these things when you’re feeling lost. To overlook the things that make you feel good and are there, waiting, should you need something to pick-you up. Or something to ground you.

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3 responses to “Some of the things I like….

  1. I think one of the really important things when it comes to finding yourself is to hang around with people who let you be you.
    I’ve always had a pretty strong sense of who I am, but sometimes that can be knocked off course when you’ve got people in your life who make you feel like you need to conform to a certain standard.
    I’m not saying you have any of those people in your life, and I certainly hope you don’t, but it’s always worth keeping an eye out for them. If you feel you can’t express certain opinions in front of someone, or are expected to laugh at things that aren’t funny, or pretend to enjoy things that you don’t, it’s really easy for that to damage your sense of self. And it’s really easy for just one or two people to do that to you.
    I’m not saying this is happening to you at all, and I may be way off the mark and I hope I am. But it’d be the first thing I’d think about if I was feeling lost.

  2. Very fortunately, one of the best things in my world is the people around me who always let me be totally myself and totally honest. Can see how that might happen but I think my exploration has been more of a continuation of putting myself back together – if that makes sense! Sure I’ll get there one day 😉

  3. This is good. Actually I was a bit worried after I left this comment, cos I worried it sounded like I was implying you might be surrounded by idiots. Which I wasn’t at all. I’m glad you have great people around you and actually I do too, I just meant I’ve learned the hard way that not everyone is nice, and so now I keep an eye out for those people. I think we’re probably all ‘putting ourselves back together’, or at least examining how we’re made, all the time. You’re not alone in that journey, and although I don’t really know what the answer is, I think if you’re surrounded by good people who make you happy you’re better off than most. Actually I think it’s fascinating that we can go through life always having more to learn about ourselves: imagine if we knew everything about ourselves and never surprised ourselves, never changed or discovered anything new; that would be so dull!

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