When I started writing this blog I believed that there was no such thing as never. I had just come through a recovery that no one believed would ever happened and, as the world seemed shiny and new – and I felt shiny and new – it felt like anything was possible.
One of the reasons that I have found it hard to write on this blog is the fact that I no longer believe that there is no such thing as never. I can see that it’s a good thing to believe in – I just know it’s not true.
I may never stand on the edge of the Victoria Falls or the Grand Canyon. May never see China stretching out in front of me. May never see the Cherry Blossom blooming in Japan. May never write a book. May never stand at an altar in bridal white. May never have children.
May never have children.
That is as hard to write down as it is to consider.
It is a shock to realize that you don’t get everything you want in life, however much you may want it.
I have been thinking about it a lot recently – this idea that, however hard you try to shape your life and however much you seize it by the horns and vow not to be beaten, some things are out of your hands. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Some things are incompatible with other things and you have to choose which thing matters the most and, in the process of choosing, something else might become a ‘never’. Admittedly, the fact that you have made that choice in the first place means that everything is a possibility when you start out but
It is not as simple as that.
I wonder why it has taken me so long to fully comprehend this?
Maybe it is a sign of a privileged life, this assuming that it’s all for the taking and nothing is out of reach. There’s some truth in this and maybe I have overlooked the wonderful things that are as I focus on the things that aren’t. Maybe the fact that there is such a thing as never is what drives us forward and forces us to make difficult decisions and choose what really matters to us and fight for those things. Maybe never is an inevitably in a world that is so incredibly massive and has such an amazing amount to offer –
I don’t know.
I’ve just been feeling, lately, that I don’t believe in no such thing as never anymore and that is sometimes really hard.